Post #21
Pie Charts of Disappointment: The Employee Climate & Engagement Survey
By A Staff Employee Who Isn't A Total Snowflake
After collecting answers from Faculty and Staff in September, Columbia respectfully obeyed SCOTUS and waited 9 months until the data had reached its full term, then quietly delivered the largely unheralded and totally boring 20-page Employee Climate & Engagement Survey. With the Board's customary sense of humor, the results were released on May 1st, known among whining ninnies as International Workers Day.
While it's only 10 minutes of reading, the survey contains years of employee stress, fear, and disappointment, obviously induced in you gripers by commie students controlled by the liberal media. Most of all, it contains a bewildered sense that nothing happens at Columbia unless 20 Board of Trustees say so. At least there's that. We're just the workers, y’all! We don't even decide if there's a mold-filled Keurig coffee machine in the office kitchen, or no coffee machine at all.
About 69% of you delicate flowers agree that Columbia is "stressful." Hard for snowflakes not to be stressed by these silly numbers. Only 56% think CU health benefits are "competitive" — well, they're more competitive than the unemployment queue. The competition drops to 54% for retirement benefits, and only a measly 23% of you snivelers think CU salaries are competitive, leading 49% of you sourpusses to "feel undervalued." Those almost-yearly 1.5% raises somehow haven't corrected the unrealistic expectations of these ungrateful freeloaders. You know who doesn't get a 1.5% raise almost-yearly? Bolsheviks. Because they're dead from socialism.
And all this complaining while just 48% of this malcontent Staff agree that they are "able to complete duties during scheduled hours." Well stop with the big pity-parties, roll up your sleeves because CU had to cut down on A/C costs, toss your lunch money to Allied security, and fill up on the Keurig while actually getting some work done for once.
And oh dear Alma Mater, 66% of Staff have "seriously considered leaving" Columbia. And a mere 22% of you Debbie-downers are "optimistic about Columbia's direction." Well go on and leave then, and let President Trump fill up the university with employees that don't jump ship just because the ship is underwater. Maybe then Staff will be a little more optimistic about hitting bottom — the ocean floor has more exciting unknowns than knowns! Where's that university spirit of discovery? Let's explore the bottom — we might even see the Titanic! There could be cool stuff down here you never thought you'd sink low enough to see.
Only 30% of you grumblers agree that "Columbia listens to students, faculty and staff regardless of ideology" and only 21% say that they "have meaningful opportunities to participate in institutional decision-making." If you provincials would just start to understand that all University decisions will be made by Trump and announced by the CU Board of Trustees, then maybe you'd have an ideology that could be allowed to participate in decision-making! Besides, do you think coal miners have a say in "institutional decision-making"? And you don't hear them bawling about it from the depths of the coal pits.
Happily, at least one of us sees the value in a work-work balance: a quote pulled from a survey-taker and included in the results illustrates how beneficial Columbia's current situation is:
As if their life depends on it! THAT'S how you increase productivity!
But instead of feeling grateful that we're all being pushed to improve, you fusspots are only thinking about how you could still get laid off at any moment with no recourse, as a few hundred of our bellyaching colleagues have experienced in the last months at Morningside, CUIMC, and Barnard. Don't they have bootstraps in New Jersey or Queens or wherever these whingers commute from?
And the snowflake snowstorm keeps whirling down onto College Walk. Only 52% agree that Columbia is "safe." Even with the closed gates, the Allied security guards, the plain-clothes NYPD surveilling the campus, the obedience to Trump and Stephen Miller — you grumps still don't feel safe. What will it take? The numbers plummet further when it comes to "welcoming" (41%), "caring" (30%), and last of all "improving" at only 27%. And how could a place improve with all you crabs, I'd like to know?
So 73% of you grinches think Columbia is not improving. 61% think it is "Not safe to make suggestions at Columbia" and 48% think "Columbia's environment discourages open discussion of difficult topics." Then don't discuss them! This isn't rocket science performed in the bowels of Pupin Hall! And 44% of you moaners "fear backlash or misinterpretation from discussion in meetings" and only 46% "recommend Columbia as a good place to work." I swear, so many more of us will recommend Columbia as a good place to work as soon as the Trustees and President Trump really clean house around here, I can tell you that much.
Another included quote pulled from a survey-taker for the "Expression is guarded" page finally has something positive to say:
A staff this depressed and discouraged can only be produced by a top-notch Board of Trustees and university-governance system that is totally disempowering, and meant to stay that way. These survey results are not an accident — this is how they want us to feel. This is a success story, you frowners! Can we all just take a minute to thank the Trustees for the environment they've successfully created? Just one little minute of thanks? Then the 48% of you who can't finish your work during scheduled hours can grab another Keurig, suck on a sugar packet and get to work, finally. Do you think the mill girls of Lawrence, Massachusetts had a Keurig? God.
Something you pinkos probably didn't even see in the survey is that most people who work at Columbia actually like and enjoy their peers and colleagues: about 60% of us feel a "stronger sense of comfort locally than institution-wide." Institution-wide that comfort is only at 32% — but that'll shoot right up to 100% when the Trustees let President Trump administer the surveys. And I suggest they do, in earnest, before people start getting seriously out of control and demanding uni-destroying Marxist stuff like job security, wage increases, pensions, defense funds for immigration-related costs, and protections against ICE, as crybabies from the University of California, to the University of Alaska, to New York Film Academy and the University of Michigan have done — grousers.
The way to stop such worker empowerment is obvious: double the height of the closed gates, lay off a few hundred more people, expel more students for speech Trump doesn't like, dole out the Keurig based on increased productivity metrics from Stephen Miller, and save those almost-yearly 1.5% raises for those of us who filled out the Survey and gave top marks to Columbia University near the city of New York.
All pie graphs made by Staff with absolutely nothing to caterwaul about.
